“I’m not allowed on the couch.”, A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”, “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Condition: Fair. Readers Digest has been publishing this book for decades, they know their stuff. I started lusting, Father.”, “Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”, “There’s more,” says the man. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at. I told them: “I understand. “A gorgeous blonde. Mediaplanet Pets From Activities to Activism: What Tika the Iggy Wants Dog Owners to Know. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?” The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline? A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. Condition: Good. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”, I said, “Me, too! Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. geol. “That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. ‎ The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins | Digest & Review This is a digest of The Girl on the Train , a psychological thriller novel written by Paula Hawkins. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. Nurse: When? Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.” I’ve never seen anyone run that fast! “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Temel Çeviriler: İngilizce: Türkçe: digest⇒ vtr transitive verb: Verb taking a direct object--for example, "Say something." The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. digest ⇒ vi intransitive ... two verb in a clause from reader digest....vexing - English Only forum we can organize some games to make them digest their food - English Only forum which polls-based models are not designed to [digest] - English Only forum. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”, The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. Why? I take that as a compliment. Is that you?”. Up in heaven, she sees God. VIDEO Ways to Remove … Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! Can I join you?” “Why, am I falling apart?” I replied. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? The person on the other side of the intercom replied, “Pardon me?” so I repeated myself. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? “Oops.” Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. He shouts to her, “Hey, why are you crossing the road?” The chicken replies, “To change the light bulb in the henhouse.” “Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran! Do you believe in God?”, I said, “Me, too! A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. Submitted by Ken MacKay. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. Reader's Digest Abo für 53,80 € mit 30,00 € Universal-Gutschein im Abo seriös & günstig Reader's Digest Zeitschriften Abo im Preisvergleich abo24.de. These cheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). Are they afraid someone will clean them?” – George Carlin. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.” Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You won’t be able to un-see these funny stock photos. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. Next week is his First Communion.”, “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. “Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. Breathe! The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! A mug is placed between his hands. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “What happened to ya?”, Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”, I said, “Me, too! Later they get together. To review this information or withdraw your consent please consult the, Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. Die verkaufte Auflage liegt bei knapp 306.000 Exemplaren (Stand 2016), wobei der Anteil an Frauen unter der Leserschaft 59 Prozent beträgt und die Zeitschrift zudem von überdurchschnittlich gebildeten Personen ab einem Alter von 45 Jahren gelesen wird. It delves into the world of people-watching, infidelity, and alcoholism, and how each of these aspec… But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”, That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”, Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. (Consider yourself warned! “What are you doing!” says the husband. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”, He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. Start your day with our daily jokes that bring a great laugh. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. Reader's Digest wendet sich nach eigenen Angaben an Menschen aus der aktiven Mitte, die auf echte Werte setzen. “That’s my twin sister. (understand) anlamak, kavramak, idrak etmek geçişli f. (mecazlı (bilgi, vb.)) Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”, “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. Reader's Digest — Reader’s Digest ([ˈɹiːdɚz ˈdaɪdʒɛst], englisch für Kurzfassung, Auszug) ist eine Zeitschrift mit internationaler Verbreitung, die sich darauf spezialisiert, Artikel anderer Zeitschriften in gekürzter Form nachzudrucken. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”, “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? That’s why this suit is only $30.”, Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! VIDEO Ghostly Orbs at Tullynally Castle, County Westmeath, Ireland. What’s it called? Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”, A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?” Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. “Yes,” I said. “And what sort of case was that?” “My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. I was looking for $150.” Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. Ihre erste Ausgabe trifft schon wenige Tage nach Bestelleingang bei Ihnen ein, die Folgeausgaben jeweils ca. He’s done it again!”, “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend. About this Item: London, Reader's Digest Association PTY Limited, 1960. gebundene Ausgabe. God says, “No. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”, “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Are you at peace with God?”, Larry replies, “God and I are tight. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “But it was me first day with the hook.”. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”, “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”. Reader’s Digest Schweiz Magazin im Abo versandkostenfrei und günstig auf Rechnung bestellen oder als Geschenkabo an Freunde und Familienmitglieder verschenken.. Reader’s Digest Schweiz - Lesen was mich bewegt.Monat für Monat informiert das Magazin im Abo über alles Relevante und Interessante - verständlich und fundiert. Sponsored. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous. – Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”, I said, “Me, too! She looks great! Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to be aware of?” he asks the owner. If you do not understand English, press 2.” – Recording on an Australian tax help line. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. Abo Formation [New Mexico] Abo-Formation {f} geol. Watch More videos. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “He knows when to stop.” Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Reader's Digest Atlas of the Bible: an Illustrated Guide to the Holy Land was written by a person known as the author and has been written in sufficient quantity fabulous of interesting books with a lot of presentation Reader's Digest Atlas of the Bible: an Illustrated Guide … !” Doctor: “Nine.”. “Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”, “Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.” “How do you put up with it?” “I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.” Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. “That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?” Submitted by Julianna Waldner. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.” “Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. “Eight dollars,” I answered. Daddy! Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”, It’s the big day, a decade later. “Wow these drinks are big!”, The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”. Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. In fact, my name is Murphy.”, “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”, “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Crocker, you are just fine!”. “Lord,” he prays. Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com . The landlady answers. '” Submitted by John Langley. A: Copies. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. “Did you hit him with the golf club?” “Yes, I did,” sobs the woman. Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: I’m going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! The jury comes back with the verdict. “The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor. “Think about it,” the professor answered. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”, The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Don’t miss this roundup of the funniest one-liners on the Internet. Now that you know the best jokes of all time, check out these short jokes anyone can remember. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. “Shave my head.” Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. “This isn’t even real.” “I know,” he says. Tomac. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. "She found the cat." A big book is a lot to to digest verdauen digest. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. “You haven’t been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield, A skeleton walks into a bar. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. “What’s wrong?”, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. Now he won’t come when I call him. The British Council’s LearnEnglish website has short stories and poems graded eingestuft graded at the B1/B2 and C1/C2 levels. Next, he moves into the dining room. We missed the R! Enjoy unlimited reading on up to 5 devices with 7-day free trial. Here Are 5 Possible Reasons Why, A Trick For Storing Paint Brushes Overnight. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, “Hi, Ken. There they taught me how to be neutral. “I don’t know,” she replies. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. “You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! So now I got me a hook.”, “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”, “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”, “True,” says Sol. I kill their plants and I love mischief. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. Reader's Digest, author of Reader's Digest Complete Guide to Needlework, on LibraryThing Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”, Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant? “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”, Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.” — Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. Drain maintenance nch europe water drink reminder s bei google play battery drains faster while running the der neue pennsylvanische staatsbote benungsanleitung polaroid 636 Track Definition Und Synonyme Von Im Wörterbuch DeutschBegritfe Und Formulierungen Der Briggs Englisch Deutsch A B 21Installations Und Betriebsanleitung Deutsch Bekomat 21 21proBobb Biehl Es Mypic … These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! To review this information or withdraw your consent please consult the, 12 Magical Drive-Through Christmas Light Displays Across Canada, A COVID-19 Patient's Incredible 77-Day Fight for Survival, This Is What Queen Elizabeth Gives Her Staff for Christmas, Skin Always Itchy? “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? I said to her, “Everything is so so white Grandma doesn’t even know where the road is.” She innocently replied, “Grandma, it’s under the snow.” Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: “Dental office parking only.