The person on the other side of the intercom replied, “Pardon me?” so I repeated myself. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks. Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at. Daddy! I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend. Discover what's missing in your discography and shop for Das Beste Aus Reader's Digest releases. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! If you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. I’m 49.95.” When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, “Yes, but how much with tax?” Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. He’s in the village over the other direction.”. The 2020 Reader’s Digest Most Trusted Brands in America. Protestant or Catholic?”, I said, “Me, too! “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “No,” he responded. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. In fact, my name is Murphy.”, “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”, “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. “You cheap bum!” she yells. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”, He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”, The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”, The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”, “I come from a stupid family. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Explore releases from the Das Beste Aus Reader's Digest label. Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: I’m going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. “Impressive,” says the banker. Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com . The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”. “What’s wrong?”, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. Can I join you?” “Why, am I falling apart?” I replied. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Should be fun, but it costs $500. “Eight dollars,” I answered. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. ... Business Spotlight, das Übungsheft Plus und den Audio-Trainer können Sie schnell und einfach in unserem Abo-Shop bestellen. Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. “How did you do it?” he asked. Reader’s Digest Schweiz Magazin im Abo versandkostenfrei und günstig auf Rechnung bestellen oder als Geschenkabo an Freunde und Familienmitglieder verschenken.. Reader’s Digest Schweiz - Lesen was mich bewegt.Monat für Monat informiert das Magazin im Abo über alles Relevante und Interessante - verständlich und fundiert. !”, The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”, An old man goes to confession. the rosie project a novel by graeme simsion digest and review Oct 15, 2020 Posted By Jeffrey Archer Media Publishing TEXT ID b6136f9d Online PDF Ebook Epub Library amazonca simsion graeme sep 15 2020 the rosie project a novel by graeme simsion digest and review posted by el jameslibrary text id 361fd713 online pdf ebook epub This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Contribute To Our Canada And Get A FREE 1-Year Gift Subscription Upon Publication! Sponsored. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”, Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. “I don’t know,” she replies. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”, “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. A: Copies. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.” I’ve never seen anyone run that fast! Submitted by Andre Batista. “You haven’t been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. “That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. “But it was me first day with the hook.”. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”. He’s done it again!”, “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Enjoy your hobby — in English The light goes off.”. “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…” Submitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. We missed the R! Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while they’re camping? One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. He never did any of that!”. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Nurse: When? Abo Formation [New Mexico] Abo-Formation {f} geol. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous. “Here, boy,” he replies. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Ugh!” the student groaned. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? “You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “There’s a nasty bug going around.” Submitted by D.G. A mug is placed between his hands. These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart! Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”, A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”, They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? Reader's Digest Editors Updated: Oct. 26, 2020. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. digest n noun: Refers to person, place, thing, quality, etc. “From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!” Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. “How are you feeling?” she asks. “He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”. 1. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”, The priest pauses. I’m coming to live with you.” Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “He fought with me again! Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan. “They’re full of small bells.”. Cimarron (1930-1931). “You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. Though most of these stories have been written for children, readers of all ages will enjoy these skillfully told tales. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?” The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline? During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield, A skeleton walks into a bar. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Next, he moves into the dining room. But again the camera flashed. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”, “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”—Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”, “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. When I’m done, poof! These smart light bulb jokes are truly illuminating. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. Get creative with our hilarious knock-knock jokes that everyone can laugh at. Inhaltsverzeichnis 1… … “What happened to ya?”, Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. I take that as a compliment. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. These hilarious school stories are guaranteed to give you a laugh. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. Here are some funny jokes to defuse an awkward situation. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said. The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”, The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”. That didn’t suit my husband. Later, they order an other round. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. “You keep out of this!” she yells. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”, Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. I’ve used too much!” Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. “They’re so noisy,” he complained. Don’t miss these hilarious real life prank stories! “But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.” Anonymous, My wife’s clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldn’t accept 911 as her emergency contact. So, read in small bites. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.” Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?” Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston. “George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’” Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Me: Yes. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. “This isn’t even real.” “I know,” he says. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”, The guy is flabbergasted. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way? Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “Yes,” I said. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. Why? Now he’s the village blacksmith. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “I found them. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. I started a couple of weeks ago.” “Really?” I said. Try these funny birthday jokes! Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. Got anything less expensive?” Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. “I steal food from humans. ... Mein Englisch ist nicht unbedingt der Wahnsinn und hier und da lohnt ein Blick in einen Übersetzer, aber im Großen und Ganzen erschließt sich der Text durch die ausdrucksstarken Bilder von ganz allein. Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”, I said, “Me, too! Me: 2011. “No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. God says, “No. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”, For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.